The Mojave Desert is 25,000 Square Miles
by insaneantics21
Summary: Quinn really, really likes geography. Crack!Fic


**Author's Note:** This came about thanks to a conversation with recallthelove and ohgodnotanotherblog over at Tumblr. If you want the full story, go to my LiveJournal (insaneantics21) and read the Author's Note on the entry for this story =)

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A fantastic skill that Quinn Fabray had acquired only a few short weeks after knowing Rachel Berry was the ability to tune her out. The skill carried over into glee club and through their rocky beginnings of a friendship that eventually led her to where she was now: on her back in her bedroom with the phone pressed to her ear and Rachel rambling something about chickens or harmonies or whatever it was that Rachel rambled about. Quinn was staring at the faded map tacked to her ceiling, eyes darting from land to ocean and back again, going over in her head the geographical features of each area like a pro.

Geography was kind of Quinn's favorite subject. She might have actually been a tiny bit obsessed with it. Just a little. I mean, everyone knows that the Mojave Desert is 25,000 square miles, right? Of course, the fact that she was the only person she knew with globes and atlases scattering her room didn't mean she was obsessed. She was just really, really passionate. Really passionate.

"...and that's simply why I cannot go on dating you."

Quinn sat bolt upright in bed and squeaked a little, Rachel's word's ringing a little in her ears.

"What? You...you're breaking up with me?"

"Of course not. I was simply trying to get your attention, Quinn. You were blatantly ignoring my thoughts on the cruelties of owning pet fish."

"I thought you were talking about someone getting robbed of a Tony."

"I was, sixteen minutes ago."

"Right, sorry."

"We could discuss something a little more intriguing, if you like. Something...fun."

"You're not going to tell me about your two favorite tofu brands again, are you?"

Quinn rolled her eyes at Rachel's exasperated sigh and following mini-rant on why the two brands were vastly superior to all others...again. She flipped to her stomach and turned through the pages of her brand-new 2012 World Atlas.

"...back to my original point of discussing something fun," Rachel said, "what are you currently wearing?"

Quinn perked up and tilted her head a little bit at the question before looking down at her "Geography Rocks!" camp t-shirt from when she was twelve and plaid boxer shorts she slept in.

"Uh...shorts and a t-shirt."

"Take them off."

"Wh-what?"

"Quinn, this is my attempt at having phone sex with you. If you're not going to cooperate then I will simply take care of my raging teenage hormones all by myself."

"Oh," Quinn squeaked, throat dry. She looked back down at her atlas and the page featuring the change of the Himalayan mountain range over the last million years and pursed her lips. "I'm kind of not in the mood tonight, Rach. But...I can help you out."

"I can agree to that. What would you like to do to me, Quinn?"

"I-I want to touch you."

"Where, love?"

"Your glorious mountain range."

"What?"

Quinn panicked, finger hovering over the text on the page, and tried desperately not to lose her place. "I-I...I said I wanted to touch your ch-chest. Breasts."

"It sounded like you said mou-"

"I didn't! Do you want to do this or not?"

"Of course, continue."

"I want to run my hands all over you, Rachel."

"That sounds absolutely divine."

Quinn made an affirmative noise as she turned a few pages, a section on the floor of the Pacific Ocean catching her eye.

"What else, Quinn?"

"I want to taste you, baby. I want to run my hands over your globes and graze your Pacific Ocean with my tongue."

"Quinn! What on Earth are you talking about? Mountain ranges? The Pacific Ocean?"

"Oh my God, say that again."

"What?"

Quinn shut her atlas and shoved it off the bed, mouth now dry for a different reason and a tension starting to pool low in her abdomen.

"Say 'mountain ranges' again."

"Mountain ranges?"

"The other one, say it too."

"Pacific Ocean?"

There was no way this was happening. Rachel was turning Quinn on more than she had ever been just by saying words. Simple words she'd heard and read over and over again. But coming out of Rachel's mouth it was pretty much the biggest turn-on, ever. A hand found its way into Quinn's boxers, the other keeping her phone pinned to her ear. She looked up at the map above her bed and took her lower lip between her teeth.

"The other oceans, what are they?"

"Quinn, are you suffering from a stroke? Should I call the hospital?"

"Just say them, damn it!"

"Fine! Um...Atlantic, Pacific, Indian...there's another, isn't there? The um...the Arctic, yes?"

A jolt of pleasure shot through Quinn's stomach and she couldn't help but moan. "God, yes!"

"Quinn?"

"Do you have your geography book?"

"I...think so."

"Read it to me."

"Are you...Quinn, are you masturbating to geography?"

Quinn stopped the ministrations with her hand and swallowed hard, nodding even though Rachel couldn't see her. "Maybe."

"I was aware that geography was a passion of yours but I was unaware it was a...ipassion/i."

"I didn't know, either."

"Is it only when I say it?"

"Yes."

"So if I were to say something like," Rachel paused, Quinn heard the turning of book pages, "Like 'The Great Lakes are a collection of freshwater lakes located in northeastern North America, on the Canada – United States border. Consisting of Lakes Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie, and Ontario, they form the largest group of freshwater lakes on Earth by total surface and volume.' You would become incredibly aroused?"

Quinn couldn't say anything. Not anything coherent, anyway. All she could do was moan loudly into the phone and listen to her heartbeat pound in her ears.

"The Australian mainland has a total coastline length of 22,292 miles with an additional 14,825 miles of island coastlines. There are 758 estuaries around the country with most located in the tropical and sub-tropical zones."

"God...Rachel...Don't stop."

"The parts of West Antarctica not covered with ice, Antarctic oasis, which are the coasts of the Antarctic Peninsula, constitute a biodiversity region known as Marielandia Antarctic tundra named after Marie Byrd Land. This area has the mildest climate in Antarctica and the moss and lichen-covered rocks are free of snow during the summer months, although the weather is still intensely cold and the growing season very short."

That was it. Quinn was sent over the edge thinking of climate, mountain ranges, lakes, and Rachel reading a geography book. She would've thought it was a little bit strange had she had the coherency to say something other than:

"That was so hot."

"Quinn, you just orgasmed to me reading a geography book."

"Pretty sure you'd do the same if I read Streisand's biography to you."

Quinn found a copy of the book in her locker the next day.

During lunch she pulled Rachel into the geography classroom and pinned her, face first, against a map of the world while she took her girlfriend from behind. Rachel whispering dirty things about the English Channel spurred the blonde on, leading to a literal Earth-shattering orgasm for Rachel. The brunette's fingernails dug into Morocco and Japan and she not only tore the map off the wall but collapsed onto a globe, sending it crashing to the floor.

A new skill that Rachel acquired? Inserting random geological facts into her long rants that prevented Quinn from ever tuning her out, ever again.


End file.
